This Is My Story: From Addictions, Condemnation, Guilt, Fear, Depression and Suicidal to Freedom in Christ
Raised in Ministry family, But Living in Fear
I was born into a family deeply rooted in church ministry. On both my father’s and mother’s side, there were people actively serving God, counting to at least five of them. From my earliest years, church was not just part of life; it was expected.
From Sunday school to youth services, every Sunday I would be in church. But the truth is, most of the time I went because I felt pressured. I grew up with the understanding that if I didn’t attend church, God would be displeased and I would be punished.
So I showed up not because I knew Him, but because I feared Him.
Outwardly, I was a church-going young boy.
Inwardly, something very different was taking root.
Early Exposure and a Growing Addiction
At a very young age, I was introduced to pornography and substance abuse, particularly tobacco. What began as exposure did not stay casual, it quickly became addiction.
Before I even understood what was happening, I was already trapped.
Pornography, especially, began to take a deep hold on my life. It wasn’t something I could easily walk away from. Even when I decided to stop, the urge would return stronger, more persistent, and more controlling.
I made many attempts to break free.
I promised myself again and again:
“This is the last time.”
“I will never go back.”
But those promises kept breaking.
Sometimes I could resist for a few days, but the pressure would build up inside me until I gave in again. Each time I fell, the guilt became heavier, and the next fall became easier.
This cycle became my reality:
* Urge
* Fall
* Guilt
* Self-hatred
* Determination to stop
* And then failure again
Over time, it stopped feeling like a choice. It felt like something had control over me.
And because of that, I began to hate myself deeply.
Trying to Earn Forgiveness Through Religion
In fear of hell, I turned to religion.
I thought if I did enough good works, God might somehow adjust my sins with my efforts. I joined the youth group at a young age, and not long after, I was entrusted with leading the youth.
I accepted the responsibility but my understanding was wrong.
I believed:
If I work for God, especially in youth ministry, He will forgive me.
But behind that leader was a man bound in addiction.
I was leading publicly while privately enslaved. No one knew the darkness I was carrying.
The more I tried to overcome sin through my own effort, the more I failed. And the more I failed, the more hopeless I became.
A Mind Trapped Between Sin and Fear
The real battle was in my mind especially at night.
As I lay down to sleep, I would struggle with the same thoughts:
“Should I watch first and then pray for forgiveness?”
“Or should I pray first and then still go back to it?”
This was my daily battle.
Whenever I thought about heaven and hell, I was 100% sure I was going to hell. I believed that on judgment day, God would weigh my good works and bad works and I knew my bad works were heavier.
That belief pushed me to do more “good works.”
I read the four Gospels again and again not out of relationship, but to show God that I was trying. I thought my religious discipline would add weight to the “good side” of the scale.
Outwardly, I looked like a good young man.
Inside, I was completely dead.
The Night Everything Changed (December 2019
One winter night in December 2019, around midnight, after following my usual routine of addiction, I stepped outside.
As I was there, suddenly something gripped me.
It was an overwhelming fear, a panic attack that came out of nowhere. It felt like something had taken a tight hold of me.
Then the voices started in my mind:
“You have done enough sin.”
“God is extremely angry with you.”
“Right now, you are going to die.”
“And you will be sent to hell.”
These thoughts repeated again and again.
I felt like I was going mad.
I started running across the compound, hoping the fear would go away—but it didn’t. The more I ran, the stronger it became.
I was terrified not just of dying, but of going to hell.
I ran to my parents and pleaded:
“Please pray to God and ask Him to forgive me. I don’t want to go to hell.”
They didn’t understand what was happening, but they prayed over me and tried to calm me down. That night, I refused to sleep because I believed I would die in my sleep.
But out of exhaustion, I eventually fell asleep in their room.
Six Months of Fear, Guilt, and Torment
The next morning, the moment I opened my eyes, the voices returned.
From that day onward, my life became a cycle of fear, guilt, and condemnation.
I saw God as harsh and angry, someone ready to punish me at any moment.
I was constantly on my knees, trembling, confessing all my known sins again and again. Every prayer was the same confession, repeated over and over, not realizing that this was keeping me trapped in sin-consciousness.
I couldn’t sleep properly.
I couldn’t eat properly.
Panic attacks became frequent. Sometimes I would feel like I was losing my breath.
Even something like dark clouds in the sky would trigger fear, because I believed God could kill me anytime, anywhere.
This continued for around six months, even during lockdown, when I could not go anywhere or meet anyone.
I did not live a normal life during that period.
Searching Everywhere, Finding No Freedom
My family and relatives tried everything:
* Prayer centers
* Doctors
* Different kinds of spiritual and traditional practices
I tried all of it.
Nothing worked.
In my mind, I was convinced:
“This is from God as punishment. No one can set me free.”
Some people told me God was dealing with me. Some said I was going the wrong way. Some said God had forgiven me but if I sin again, there would be no forgiveness.
That only pushed me deeper into fear and condemnation every time I failed.
My prayers became centered on myself:
“I did this… I did that… I am this… I am that…”
Everything failed.
Depression and Suicidal Thoughts
Eventually, all of this led me into deep depression.
Even when I listened to preachers on YouTube, it felt like they were rebuking me. Bible verses, especially the Ten Commandments, made me more afraid instead of giving me hope.
Then my thinking shifted dangerously.
The same fear that once kept me from wanting to die now turned into another thought:
“What is the use of living if I am going to hell anyway?”
Suicidal thoughts began to come.
I even believed that if I died, I would not go to hell immediately but wait somewhere until judgment day and that thought made death seem like an escape from the pain.
But every time those thoughts came, something held me back:
“If I die by suicide, I may lose my chance to receive forgiveness.”
Even in that darkness, God’s mercy was still holding me.
Battling with this torments and thoughts I was in deep hopelessness state.
A Turning Point
Around June 2020, a friend sent me a video of Pastor Shan Kikon, where he shared his experience with panic attacks very similar to mine.
Immediately after watching, I searched for him on Facebook and wrote everything that was happening to me.
After some time, he replied and sent me another video of a preacher speaking about the grace of God.
At first, I could not believe a single word.
The God being described a loving Father, rich in mercy was completely different from the God I believed in, who I thought was angry and waiting to punish me.
A Small Light of Hope
Next evening, I opened a hymn book and came across the song Nothing But the Blood of Jesus.
As I sang, certain words began to touch my heart.
I broke down and wept, asking God for forgiveness.
That night, I was not delivered but a small light of hope appeared.
Faith Harvest Church and Sozo Ministry
I began following Faith Harvest Church online during lockdown. Their teachings were completely new to me things I had never heard in my life.
They frequently had a zoom meeting for all and during a Zoom meeting, I reached out again to Pastor Shan Kikon. This time, he asked for my number and said his team would connect with me.
The following Monday, a sister called me and arranged a Sozo session with a brother named Simeon.
During those sessions, he patiently listened to everything. Then he began to minister to me through Scripture:
* 2 Timothy 1:7
* John 3:16
* 2 Corinthians 5:17
* 2 Corinthians 5:21
* Ephesians 2:8:9
He explained how the finished work of Jesus had already paid for my sins that God was not angry with me, and that forgiveness is received freely.
At first, it was hard to accept. But I reasoned: if it is written in the Bible, it must be true.
One verse changed everything for me:
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)
I realized Jesus was calling me as I was. Not when I am perfect or clean or Holy but as I am so that He can make me clean. This verse opened my eyes which helped me understand the context of new testament.
The scriptures reveals that Jesus was made sin for me, He has no sin in Him but all of my sins was laid on Him so that I can receive freely His Righteousness?
After several weeks, he led me through Romans 10:9–10, and I received Christ as my Lord. As though it was a telephonic sessions I wasn't fully walking in the revelation of the Salvation but later on I realised that this was it.
School of Supernatural and Personal Ministry
Pastor Shan Kikon during online service and the brother from Sozo sessions encouraged to join the School of Supernatural 2020.
On the last day of admission, I applied and was accepted. On 1st November 2020, I arrived at the school along with 21 others.
There, through teachings by Pastor Shan Kikon, and other leaders, I learned about:
* The true Gospel
* Faith
* Identity in Christ
* The New Covenant
* The love of God
The truth of God revealed from their teachings started to change my mind drastically, it kept renewing through out the entire time there in school. I started to see myself as God sees me in Christ. I have been given a dedicated authority by Jesus to win over darkness.
One evening I personally met our Dean at that time, Pastor Koheni and his wife, and through their guidance, along with what brother Simeon had already taught me, I gave my life to Christ intentionally with full assurance of salvation.
The Encounter That Fully Set Me Free
One night, after teaching on the baptism of the Holy Spirit, our Dean, Pastor Koheni, invited those who wanted to receive the infilling of the Spirit to come forward.
I prayed:
“Lord, if this is from You, I want to experience it ,not just by faith, but I want to feel it.”
As he laid his hands on me, something powerful happened.
It felt like fire like a surge of power. I could not stand. I fell to the ground under the weight of it.
I had to shout. I could not contain what I was experiencing.
I spoke in tongues.
In that moment, I saw clearly, the enemy had no hold over me. It was like he became small and powerless.
From that day the power of God has completely set me free. The revealed power of the Finished works of Jesus set me free.
* The desire for pornography completely left
* The addiction lost its grip
* Even tobacco lost its hold
* Guilt and Condemnation gone
*Fear of Death completely destroyed
I was completely delivered.
A Transformed Life
I completed the School of Supernatural as a changed man not just outwardly, but from within.
Today, I stand as a witness:
There is nothing God cannot do.
I am not perfect but I am no longer bound.
I now live knowing:
* I am a child of God
* I am deeply loved
* I am highly favored
* I am richly blessed
Not because of what I did but because of what Jesus did on the Cross for me.
Today, I am planted in Spirit of Faith Church Dimapur, where I have the privilege to serve in God’s kingdom under Spiritual leaders who sincerely seek to expand the kingdom of God.
I am also happily married to a beautiful wife and living a new life in Christ.
Do not lose hope.
No matter how deep you are in addiction, fear, or depression, God can set you free.
What He has done for me,
He will do for you.
The reason I put a little detailed of everything I went through is not to glorify my pain or sins but to expose the lies of the enemy.
If you wish to know more about the finished work of Jesus, I have written a book called Jesus is Enough and the entire book is based on the revelation from the Scriptures which will give your clear understanding of what Jesus Christ has done for you and me on the Cross.
If you wish to get one you can get it on Amazon, Light of Life Books Dimapur and Spirit of Faith Church Dimapur.
As I always say Connect with Bible based churches and keep God your priority and let Jesus be the anchor of your life.
God bless.
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